Dangerous Love

I didn’t think I would be blogging about such a serious and difficult subject as domestic violence as my first real entry on my The Salmon Leaping blog. Nor did I expect my first entry to be so long. Difficult for me as I was once in a relationship that was violent. But today the media has been running pictures of Danielle Lloyd after she was beaten by an ex boyfriend. This is because Danielle is investigating violence in teenage relationships in a programme tonight on BBC3 called Dangerous Love - a Comic Relief Special.

Domestic violence has been in the news a lot recently, firstly with the research published indicating that more men are the victims of domestic violence than was previously thought. Then there was the reports that Rihanna, the R&B singer had been assaulted by her boyfriend and photos of her bruised face were leaked.

Although clearly a distressing subject I am definitely pleased to see domestic violence being discussed in the media and being tackled openly and honestly by people like Danielle Lloyd. The Equality and Human Rights Commission have been running a campaign to provide more support for women who experience domestic violence through the Map of Gaps website where you can enter your post code and find out how many services there are locally dealing with violence against women. The site demonstrates the post code lottery when it comes to the provision of services. In Merton where I live there are 2 services offered, in Bromley where I used to live and where I experienced the domestic violence there is just 1 service. I also put in my parents post code and for Doncaster there are 5 different services tackling domestic violence.

When I worked for the Mayor of London some years back we had a map of London as a carpet and on that map for one month we placed cardboard cut out statues representing the women who had died in London due to domestic violence over a few years. It was grim viewing. Bromley with its one lonely service although geographically it is the largest borough, had a concentration of the card board statues.

I think this illustrates a fundamental issue that needs to be addressed when discussing domestic violence and when planning services. The nice leafy suburbs don’t like to think that it happens behind their privet hedges and net curtains. Domestic violence is seem as something affecting the working class, the non respectable.

I considered myself to be very respectable with a good job, I lived in a beautiful leafy and highly sought after area of Bromley. I was a high achiever, intelligent and I had worked on projects promoting women’s issues I had even been the Women’s Officer at my University. I wouldn’t even admit to myself that I was in an abusive relationship. Domestic violence was something that happened to other people. I couldn’t see the classic behaviour displayed by my ex as he isolated me from those who cared about me and particularly those who would be strong enough to stand up to him. He manipulated and i very easily went along with his version of everything, he did it all because I told myself that he loved me and the others didn’t care about me like he did. I put up with and accepted 2 isolated acts of violence and years of threats and emotional bullying. It was only once I had decided for myself that the relationship was destructive that when for a third time he was violent that I called the police and got him out of my life.

The hardest thing for me to come to terms with and it has taken me 3 years to admit this was that I was experiencing domestic violence and that I had allowed it to continue because I didn’t recognise what was happening to me and most importantly I did not want to admit that I was a victim and that my relationship had failed.

I do get cross when I hear other women saying “Why didn’t she just leave him? Why didn’t she just walk out of the room.?” (As Shelag Fogarty on Radio 5 Live said some weeks back) when they hear about women in violent relationships. I didn’t walk out because my ex would have just followed. It took me nearly 6 months of strife and grief and calls to the police to get him to leave. But fundamentally for so much of the time I did not think I was in an abusive relationship and I convinced myself completely otherwise.

The more we discuss this issue, the more we explore where and how domestic violence happens including violence within gay and lesbian relationships, the domestic violence inflicted on disabled people and older people and that experienced by teenagers as Danielle’s programme explores, the more likely we are to help those experiencing the violence to recognise it and feel safe and supported enough to take action. I have written this knowing that some of my friends will read this who knew nothing of what I went through, and although I am ashamed on one level on the other I really want to raise awareness and this is just one small way of doing just that.

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